Death

Paul is away in Adelaide this week. He flew out this morning. Yesterday while celebrating Zac's birthday we had the family around, both mine and Pauls. As they left both Paul's mum and Grandparents said that if I needed any help with anything while Paul was away to let them know. I was touched and thought it very sweet. I also had a little chuckle as I felt they had forgotten that I coped quite well on my own for the 5 odd years with Zac before Paul was in my life. It's funny how much you come to depend on someone for love and support when somethng happens.

Of course something had to go wrong while he was away. I hoped it would be something small such as being late for work or some such thing that I could cope with and tell Paul about after the event, have a little chuckle and that was that. Tonight I went to feed the rats and found my boy rat Merlin not looking too good. I don't think he will make it through the night to be honest. I freaked when I saw him so lifeless and the first thing I did was call Paul. I can't stand the though of Merlin being in pain or dying slowly but I can't take his life. I wanted Paul here to take care of it, to look after him and when he does die to be here for me. Once upon a time I could have delt with this alone and did deal with pets dying before. Suddenly I feel so helpless.

I rang Paul, I didn't know what else to do. In hinsight I should not have called Paul as he cares for all of our pets very much and he will be uspet as well over Merlins passing as much as I will be and neither of us are close enough to comfort eachother. Words over a phone line sometimes just aren't enough.

So now Paul is in Adelaide and I am here in Perth and we are both upset and I wish he was home. They say these things make us stronger, but more importantly this has made me realise how much I do rely on Paul and how I don't want to do this alone.